One of the very helpful mantras that codependents of alcoholics should say over and over to themselves is as follows;
“I now surrender my desires for you and my expectations of you. You are free to follow your own inner guidance and wisdom. I surrender the anger I have towards you. I take responsibility for making my own life work. I love and accept you as you are. I allow you to feel, act and be what you want to be. I forgive you the past and I forgive myself. ”
Write this mantra down and put it on the wall or fridge or somewhere where you can see it. Say it when you wake up and last thing at night. Accepting alcoholics as they are does not mean allowing yourself to be abused by them or that you stay in a harmful relationship. You can love them but choose not to be around them.
When you forgive them you are not denying the bad things they have done, you accept what has happened as the past. You stop struggling, resisting or fighting and instead you work for what you believe in. You don’t need them to act in any particular way before you will love them, you can love them and let them go. You can trust that their life will turn out how it is meant to be.
Alcoholics Anonymous. Al-Anon and Alateen all recommend this very useful mantra;
“Please give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”
I think this mantra is very helpful for developing your own innate inner wisdom to find a way out of the problem.
In ‘Getting into the Vortex’ by Esther and Jerry Hicks provide a good reason for getting out of the way of alcoholics;
“We encourage you to make peace with everyone who opposes you and whom you oppose not only because you cannot insist on their yielding to your perspective but because their opposing perspective is of tremendous benefit to you. You do not perpetuate what you consider wrong. Instead, you align with the solution side of the equation. If you rely on the behaviour of others to make you feel good then when you observe unwanted behaviour you will not feel good. You believe your not feeling good depends on their behaviour over which you have no control. So a belief that their behaviour must be controlled (so you can feel good) leaves you vulnerable to their behaviour”
If you want your life to take off then start to imagine how you want it to be and then move towards that. Remember that you cannot change other people so that part of your imaginings will need to be left alone. Check every word, thought and action that is not in harmony with this highest vision of yourself and change that word, thought or action so that it is in alignment. This is a thought process that takes time, you just need to keep an awareness of it. You create and experience hell when you do not follow what is your highest thought for you.
We achieve so little with our lives because we have undisciplined minds that instinctively go into paranoid, judgmental or fearful reactions instead of loving ones. We are far too indulgent of mind wandering. Meditation disciplines our minds because it is not really what we think but how we think that transforms our minds. It is how we arrange our patterns of thought that is so important.
Many of the problems we suffer are because of the wrong beliefs that we choose to have or have been imprinted in our memory. We can change our beliefs to healthier and more productive ones and this will be further discussed in another article.